Friday, 12 October 2012

Five Sentence Fiction - Detour



I'm actually a little early this week for five sentence fiction, which makes a change for me... This weeks word is Detour so I thought of this ...
Lillie McFerrin


The rain was coming down so hard on the roof of the car it sounded like hail and it was darker than the inside of a ninja's socks. 

Bryan drove as fast as he dared down the motorway, headlights only piercing the heavy downpour a little as they headed toward the hospital; Lillian puffed and panted in the throes of early labour in the back of the car, contractions coming every five minutes now. 

Bryan sighed audibly as he spied traffic cones guiding him off the motorway to a turn off onto a country road and quietly hoped that Lillian hadn't noticed the change in direction. 

"Don't think I haven't noticed Bryan," it appeared that labour made Lillian hyper-aware, "I can see that we have turned off, I have a BIRTH PLAN;" her voice went from low and threatening to shrill and terrifying, "and if I have to give birth in this car in the rain, at night, on the side of a country road and not in a hospital with qualified professionals close at hand with pain relief, I will devote the rest of my life to your downfall Bryan, love of my life or not!"

He raised his eyes to the heavens, knowing that she really didn't mean it, did a quick calculation on how long this might add to the journey and came up with five to ten minutes; "Don't worry honey, we'll be there before you know it." he said in his best calming voice and pressed on as fast as he dared into the lanes.

Be sure to check in on Lillie's page with the linky list and read everyone else's contributions. Comment as well, us writers are a needy bunch...

Rock on,

W.

13 comments:

  1. "darker than the inside of a ninja's socks"-Love that line!

    And I think you captured the mood of a woman in labor pretty well. I've been there twice myself, so I should know.

    Good story!

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  2. I like it! A perfect rendition of a woman in labor.

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  3. Oh I wish there was more! Do they make it to the hospital in time?! I must know!!! And like LG, I thought the "ninja's socks" line was great too! :D

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  4. I like this a lot. I was right there with them, in the moment. Excellent stuff Wayne.

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  5. very good drawing in of the reader! Sure hope she doesn't have that baby in the car...he will never live it down...LOL

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  6. Oh my-I've been in this situation twice-always having waited far too long to acknowledge that birth was imminent. One poor nurse's comment, upon us finally arriving at the hospital, "Tell her to blow it out," was met with an angry husband who responded, "You blow it out! My wife is about to push out a baby!"

    Great job with a convincing dialogue and suspenseful pace!

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  7. |Nice sense of urgency and controlled panic in this.

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  8. I agree with Sandra's comments. Enjoyed this! P.S. The inside of a ninja's socks? Now that's dark! :)))

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  9. Ha ha - darker than the inside of a ninja's socks, excellent line! I nearly gave birth in a lift in the hospital when it broke down - it was pitch dark and the ambulance drives said it would have taken a hell of a lot of guess work if I had ;)

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  10. I like the direction you took with this prompt... and there's just the right amount of tension/urgency... and then you go and leave us hanging at the end...
    So what happened? Did they make it in time?

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  11. Poor guy. It doesn't sound like this is going to work out well for him no matter how it turns out. Nice use of the prompt.

    I love your little frog gif thingy at the top of your blog. :)

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  12. You made me grin with this one! Best line I've heard in a long time...ninja's socks...
    Great tension and a splash of fear mixed in with a lot of hopeful determination! Lovely!

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